surviving murderous times
by Douglas Messerli
Valentin Passoni (screenplay), Rosa von
Praunheim (director) Ich bin meine eigene Frau (I Am My Own Woman) / 1992
The important LGBTQ director Rosa von Praunheim’s
1992 film I Am My Own Woman is a study in remarkable transsexual
transgression and almost unimaginable acceptance by some in a society that was
so restrictive that one might have presumed that anyone like the central
character of this film would never have survived.
Growing
up in Nazi Germany, the young boy Lothar Berfelde, who even as a child began to
collect objects, was first hired by second-hand dealer Max Bier in 1942 as they
began to collect objects from the Jews left behind as they were being sent away
to the camps. But even then, as objects flew out of windows when the Nazis
raided Jewish homes, Lothar felt a sense of outrage for people being treated in
such a manner, Max demanding that he remain quiet for fear they too might be
sent away off.
Meanwhile, the violence in his own home, his father nightly threatening
his mother, resulted in a sense of fear as great as that he felt on the
streets. When he attempted to intervene in his mother’s beatings, he himself
was threatened by his swinish father, who seemed to represent the era’s general
behavior, very similar to that of Franz Biberkopf’s Weimer Republic actions in Werner
Rainer Fassbinder’s Berlin Alexanderplatz, a period in which he killed
his own wife.
Lothar, we soon are told is a transsexual, a man who prefers dressing as a woman, but still identifies as a male, not a transgender being. And that difference is important throughout as he/she negotiates the world as a gay man who dresses as a woman in Nazi and later society which has no place for either of those identities. I shall describe Lothar/Charlotte hereafter as “she,” despite the fact that speaking as Lothar he insists that although he is a feminine being in a masculine body, he is still cis gender, comfortable in with his male sexual organs. His compulsion is to dress as a woman, not necessarily to sexually become one, or as the title expresses it, “I am my own woman,” a special being who defines herself as a woman with male sexual desires.
During
school break she was sent away to her Aunt Luise’s estate in East Prussia. We
witness actor Taschner fitting himself into a corset as the young Lothar,
putting on one of his aunt’s dresses. In the background, Luise enters, asking
the boy if he enjoys dressing in that manner. When he answers yes, she helps
him put on his necklace. This is clearly a world that accepts what the society
in general rejects.
Luise claims she has been watching him and realizes that nature has
played on joke on them: “You should have been a woman, and I a man.” She
permits the boy to wear her dresses in the house, but outside warns her to be
careful.
She also hands her a copy of a book from Weimar era by the famed Magnus Hirschfeld,
The Transvestites, giving the young Lothar an advantage that hardly any
young German child of the day was allowed.
Seeing the young Lothar dressed as a female climbing the stairs of the
bar to the hayloft, the farm’s young worker, Christian, follows the boy up, the
engaging in sex. When Luise enters demanding her horse be saddled, she
discovers the two together, apologizing to them for interrupting the idyll, and
telling them to take their time finishing what they're about.
Luise
is the absolutely perfect match to young nephew, herself lived out her lesbianism
in “murderous times” as well as living openly as a female transvestite, wearing
only male clothing. Her lover, Charlotte Schroppsdorf, was murdered in “the
so-called ‘euthanasia program’ of the Nazis.
But the truly liberating vacation Lothar has in his aunt’s estate ends
after the holidays, when he was forced to return to wartime Berlin. In the
attic playing with his dolls, his father suddenly enters in Nazi uniform
insisting that he will now make a man of his son.
The
actor who performs her father asks whether there was ever a moment when she
was to him? Her answer is a candid “Unfortunately, no point of contact.” She
also tells us that after 6 months of marriage to her father, Lothar’s mother
demanded a divorce, in response to which “he drew his pistol and aimed at her.”
In fact, he shot at her, but Luise intervened, the bullet lodging in the
ceiling, the granduncle saving Charlotte’s mother’s life.
Back into the narrative of this work, Charlotte narrates that her mother
used the excuse of the 1943 evacuations from Berlin to take her back to her aunt
Luise’s home in East Prussia. When Charlotte’s father returned, his mother
announced “that his threats would no longer keep her from a divorce.” Charlotte
now knows that “something terrible would happen.” Seeking advice from her aunt,
she is told that now that her granduncle is no longer living, the child must
become his mother’s protector.
Sent back to Berlin, and now alone with her father, he demanded that the
boy choose between him or his mother. And when his father takes up his gun and
slams the cartridge shut, Lothar knows what his future may be if he insists
upon returning to his mother.”There’s only one decision,” declares the father. “You
have one night to think it over. Otherwise I’ll shoot them all, and I’ll beat
you to death like a mangy dog.”
The future Charlotte, as still young boy, takes up a large “stirring
stick,” “crept into my father’s room before dawn, and struck,” beating him to
death. In 1944 he was sent to Tübingen for a psychiatric examination by “Doctor
Ritter,” asking him if his father had approached his sexually. The child
answered “No.” Asked if he has had sexual intercourse, Lothar appears not
understand what the question means, despite the fact that we have already seen
the boy and Christian engaged in sex. But the next question says it all, “Why
haven’t you joined the Hitler Youth?” If his amazingly brave answer, “Because
it doesn’t interest me,” hasn’t yet convinced you at 17 ½ minutes into this hour
and ½ film that what you are seeing is a startling insight into LGBTQ German
history, then you simply don’t serve von Praunheim’s startlingly revelatory
revelation of gay history. And you should turn it off and put on a nice
heterosexual rom-com.
Lothar is imprisoned, but the defeat of Germany during the Allied invasion
sets him free to wander the Berlin streets, now just escaping be shot as a
German deserter by remaining Nazi soldiers.
By 1946, Lothar, finally identifying himself as a feminine being living
in a man’s body, takes on the name of Carlotte von Mahlsdorf, the name
Charlotte being a German parallel to Lottchen of Lothar, and perhaps a testament
to his aunt’s lover, and Mahlsdorf referring to the section of Berlin where she
now lives. Her character is now performed by Ichgola Androgyn.
Charlotte
returns to the mostly destroyed Friedrishfelde castle and spends hard years,
working with others in attempting to restore it. But still being perceived
still as an outsider in her own culture, she is removed from the property by
East German authorities.
Charlotte has no choice but to now enter work as a domestic, beginning a
job in the household of Herbert von Zitzenau (Robert Dietl) a former equestrian
officer. He soon seduces her and the two begin a secret relationship, the
affair surviving a number of years until his death.
Although life in East Germany is terribly difficult for LGBTQ men and
women, many of them such as Charlotte discover ways around the restrictive
social order. Cruising a public restroom, Charlotte meets up with man named
Joechen, who quickly because her male lover, with who she develops a sadomasochistic
role-playing relationship that lasts for 27 years until Joechen’s death.
Despite all the forces against her, Charlotte survives as an open
transvestite in East Germany for 30 years, working to preserve the contents of
East Berlin’s first and, for a long while, its only gay bar after the DDR government
closed it down and demolished the building it which it had existed. Eventually
those contents are transferred to the Gründerzeit Museum in Mahlsdorf, managed
by Charlotte and a lesbian couple.
Charlotte even plays a figure in the first East German gay film, Coming
Out by Heiner Carow, a film I also review.
If one might have thought that the fall of Berlin Wall and the joining of the reunification meant better times for Charlotte Mahlsdorf, you haven’t dealt with the realities of a new government that was still not totally friendly with gay issues, and certainly had no conception of gay life in East Berlin. The German government now takes over the objects and management of Gründerzeit Museum and she and gay friends she has invited for a celebratory LGBT day, the first East-West gay and lesbian gathering, are attacked by neo-Nazi punks.
Finally in 1992 Mahlsdorf incredible life and her endless activities is
awarded the Cross of the Order of Merit from the government for furthering the
cause of sexual freedom.
But far more importantly, I would argue, was Rosa von Praunheim’s film
of the same year. The very fact that she, herself, is featured and is permitted
interchange with artists depicting her, gives a depth and significance to this
documentary work to which most such films cannot possibly make claim.
If
in some senses it reminds me of the amazing documentaries of Albert and David
Mayles, particularly of Grey Gardens (1975), one quickly perceives that whereas
the characters in that film are basically eccentric freaks, Mahlsdorf, despite
living as a transvestite in a world that surely perceived such a sexual
difference as freakish and unacceptable, was a far more significant being whose
sense of self-worth and pride kept her functioning at full level while the
worlds around her fell apart. She is not just a survivor, a figure whose
eccentricities allowed her a small space left in a world that had forgotten her
existence like Edith "Little Edie" Bouvier Beale, but recognizing early
in her life as a different but absolutely normal sexual being Charlotte
Mahlsdorf demanded her rights from the horrific world into which she was born,
and this film demonstrates, and fought against that world with everything she
was capable of, refusing to give into its prejudices and hates, standing as a
basically unknown hero for decades for LGBTQ rights.
We need such films desperately to understand our history, and Germany
needs them perhaps even more to help heal its own transgressions of all
differences, sexual, religious, artistic, and political.
And finally, such a figure as Mahlsdorf tells us, once again, that faced
always with future abnormalities of political culture, that no matter how those
who gain power might struggle to reiterate a bland normative notion of human
life and its sexual, social, and sacred activities, they can never fully
succeed.
Los Angeles, January 12, 2024
Reprinted from My Queer Cinema (January
2024).