by Douglas Messerli
Martin Chichovski (screenwriter and director) I’m Not Gay /
2020 [3.44 minutes]
Obviously, despite our hearty laughs in regard
the films I have so far discussed with regard to young straight boys exploring gay sex, none of these figures truly convince us that
they might actually be gay. They are simply too quick in their acceptance of
the situation, and we recognize in that fact, that whatever happens “after”
their first hints of same-sex attraction it will surely be temporary. A person
actually convinced of their own sexual difference is unlikely to attempt so
painlessly to assimilate the facts they have just perceived about themselves.
LGBTQ people suffer not simply because of the idea of their queerness
but because of the permanence of it. Once one recognizes that one is truly
queer there is no going back, no easy postponement of the situation. And there
are generally few outward signs of what the LGBTQ person experiences within
before they actually come to terms with that inner emotional transformation.
The utter confusion of Chichovski’s characters, their denial and
simultaneous imaginings of sexual possibilities more fully represents the
surreal-like position of LGBTQ individuals coming to terms with their desires.
Like the four other figures we’ve just seen, this director’s two central
male characters (Vanja Trojachanec and Hristo Cholakov) sit on a couch
throughout the work, watching TV, in this case beginning with what appears to
be a kind of Macedonian soap opera in which a young handsome man is declaring
his love to a girl.
One
of the boys, joining the second with popcorn, asks his friend why he has a
frown on his face since he had asked to see this movie. Evidently, the girl
looks like Stanka, a girl he must once have been dating who is now with another
boy. When the friend says he misses her, his friend argues “Don’t be gay,”
evidently associating any strong emotional feeling with homosexuality.
Soon after, the same boy checks his cell phone only to toss it away.
“What’s happened,” his friend asks, to which the other replies “Nothing.”
“I’m sorry,” says the clearly more sensitive boy, “Do you want a hug?”
And
so begins a series of denials and strange requests. The friend emphatically
says he does not want a hug, the other immediately trying to even deny he
asked. But the other repeats his statement: “I don’t want a hug, bro.”
When the first denies he’s said anything further, the boy again repeats
“I told you I don’t want a hug,” his multiple protests saying far more than the
original kind offer.
“Okay, bro, understood, I don’t want to hug you either.”
If
one might have thought that might put an end to this meaningless chatter, we
quickly begin to comprehend what is happening within the rejected boy, who
continues “Why do you want to hug me so bad?”
Once more the friendlier boy repeats that he doesn’t want to hug him.
The other looks at him now almost as if he were hurt by the last denial,
while his friend wonders why he’s looking at him in that manner.
And when the boy again says “I don’t want you to hug me,” we recognize
in the absurdity of his statement since he apparently desperately desires to be
hugged and loved.
The one who desires no hug screams out a sort of howl and quickly grabs
the control to turn the TV set off, the other thanking him.
But the conversation continues in almost Harold Pinter-like language,
with the first boy asking him why he is being thanked.
“Because you turned it off, bro?”
“Should I put it back on again?”
“No, no, better not.”
“Can I at least play the kissing scene?” He looks at his friend,
realizing the absurdity of his request. “Alright, alright.”
The friendlier soul suggests he “Put on something cool.”
The other asks, “Like gay porn?”
And suddenly we realize that we are in an illogical world where these
two keep denying everything they most desire. Friendly hugs are nothing if
you’re already regularly watching gay sex.
The other laughs at the ridiculousness of the suggestion, but finally
after a short pause adds, “No, I mean I don’t want to watch it, but if you
do...”
“Never mind,” he counters.
“All right. All right,” his friend agrees, but is almost instantly
interrupted by the boy who wants no hug quickly spilling out the words from his
mouth: “Can I suck your dick?”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
For a few moments they argue over what the other said, the second
denying what the other seemed to have heard but doesn’t dare to repeat, when
suddenly the friendlier one asks “Should I get undresssed?”
“Yes.”
“What?”
“Chill
out bro, I’m not gay.”
These last lines are spoken almost
simultaneously, clipped, as if almost ritualistic tokens of spoken desire and
assurances that no desire real lies behind his request.
A
game is being played out that pushes them both into positions of acceptance and
denial in the very same breath.
Finally, the difficult one turns to the other, calling his by his name,
David, and expressing what appears to be their true situation: “It’s like we
both want the same thing. We both had girlfriends, this and that...but in the
end we always end up together, me and you. It’s like the universe wants to tell
us something.”
His friend continues in antiphon: “It’s like the universe is trying to
tell us that we’re gay!”
At that very moment, another boy enters the room, perhaps having
overheard their conversation since he lets out a cry of embarrassment for
having come in in the middle of something.
They immediately fall back on their stock deflection: “It’s not what it
looks like. We are not gay, totally not gay. We’re straight!” These are very
strange words indeed, since they are not doing anything that might “look” like
something except two males sitting together talking on a couch.
Yet, the newcomer (Darko Minevski) knows precisely how to read the
situation. He responds:
“Guys, guys, don’t say anything, don’t worry.
I’m gay too. Would you like to have a threesome?”
The boys on the couch agree to it immediately: “Alright, we can do that,
yeah. Let’s do it,” as they quickly begin to undress.
Obviously, all it takes for these two boys to come to terms with their
own sexuality is someone open enough to take them through the door of pleasure.
*Luis Lionel Andres (“Leo”) Messi is an
Argentinian soccer player who plays forward for the FC Barcelona club and the
Argentina national team.
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