Liz Patrick | Convent Meeting / 2023 [TV (SNL) episode]

bells are ringing

by Douglas Messerli

 

Liz Patrick (director) Convent Meeting / October 21, 2023 [TV (SNL) episode]

 

In the convent in a “very isolated part of Austria,” the Mother Superior (Molly Kearney) enters where her fellow siters are standing in small groups, and asks them to “gather ‘round at once.” She announces that she has some very disturbing news, calling their names one by one, Sister Philomena, Sister Elizabeth, Sister Florentina, Sister Genevieve, Sister Catherine, Sister Mary, Sister Theresa (the first six named nuns played by Chloe Fineman, Heidi Gardner, Punkie Johnson, Ego Nwodim, Sarah Sherman, and Chloe Troast) and the last, Sister Theresa (the Puerto Rican rapper Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio, better known as Bad Bunny).

      The news Mother Superior has disturbing news, that “there may have been a man posing as a nun, hiding amongst us to sleep with other nuns.”    

       All display shock.

    Sister Theresa is particularly disturbed, declaring as a “horrible” dead and scolding “Whoever is doing that you are very bad.”

       One nun admits that they’re so bad that they’re good. Another betting that whoever it is so bad that he won’t be able to do it again in the garden after lunch.

       “No gambling,” reminds Mother Superior. “We need to find that man and force him to repent.”

      “Yeah, he needs to repent me over the dining table again and blow my whole rosary out,” comments Sister Genevieve.

       Called out by Mother Superior for her comments, Genevieve repeats “Present,” while another nun adds, “Yeah, you can present me with that wiener again…and what how fast I gobble it down.”

       Mother Superior begs them to focus on the evil man attempting to corrupt their virgin souls.

     “This man or woman is clearly so sexy that even God cannot stop him,” concludes the bearded Sister Theresa.

      “Besides,” adds another nun, “I hear can’t see it as long as you do it in the bell tower and the uses his penis to ring the bell and yells “Ding dong!”

       “Ding dong is also what I felt about the man,” Theresa confesses.

       One nun, however, can’t comprehend why the others are not more outraged. “Whoever’s agreeing to have S-E-X with this man is just as guilty as he is.”

        “Yeah,” adds another, “or maybe there’s one nun who’s gettin’ none.”

      Mother Superior interrupts their memories once again, insisting she will give the man one final chance to confess.

       Mother Theresa concurs: “Yeah confess! Whoever you are, you beautiful monster! You sexual king, just admit what you did!”

        By this time, moreover, the joke seems to be over, the confession necessary for the blind and naïve nuns to save face.

      Suddenly out comes Sister Kevin (80-year-old Mick Jagger in a nun’s habit) declaring: “Fine. I confess. It was me. I was the one who corrupted these poor women with my lips and my hips. And was the one who rang the bell with my penis and yelled, “Ding dong!”

 

        “Sister Kevin, how could you betray us like this?” yells Mother Superior.

        “I know. This is probably the worst sex scandal in the history of the Church. But look on the bright side. Before I got here all these sisters just mumble “Our Father,” but now they’re all screaming “Oh, God!”

       Mother Superior insists that he must leave the convent at once. But the sisters beg her to let him stay and sleep with them just for a few more nights. Besides it’s almost Halloween. Sister Theresa, pleads the loudest, “Yeah, pleaaaase.”

     “Well, I suppose we are in a very isolated part of Austria and it is almost Halloween. O F it, why not! Sister Kevin can stay!”

       The sisters all cheer. “Now let’s go sisters,” shouts Sister Kevin, I think I’m read for “The Second Coming!”

       I should perhaps add for those who don’t know, Bad Bunny, who sees his own sexuality as fluid (although he admits he is now heterosexual), has been extremely supportive of LGBTQ+ issues.

 

Los Angeles, May 12, 2024

Reprinted from My Queer Cinema blog (May 2024).