by Douglas Messerli
Robert Smigel, Adam McKay, Bill Chott, and Stephen Colbert
(screenplay), Mike Wetterhahn (head animator), J. J. Sedelmaier and Bob
Marianetti (directors) The Ambiguously Gay Duo: A Hard One to Swallow,
aka Fortress of Privacy / 1998 [TV animation]
In Episode 6 of The Ambiguously Gay Duo, subtitled as “A Hard
One to Swallow,” but also known as “Fortress of Privacy,” Ace and Gary, having
just defeated the evil villains Bighead (a mad scientists with a very large,
bald head, who usually serves as the brains behind the villainous gang’s evil
schemes, and who irritates the other villains by his constant insistence of
outing our heroes) and Dr. Brainio’s ice monster (a constantly melting blob
created by another mad scientist, Brainio, whose brain is suspended above his
head, attached by a trio of cables and tubing that go into his head, and is far
more undecided than Bighead about Ace and Gary’s sexual inclinations) are
frustrated that they have not been receiving the proper credit in Metroville
for their good deeds.
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As Ace puts it, “Whether we
foiling criminals or receiving praise from the authorities, people always seem
to look at us funny.” Gary suggests, “Maybe they’re jealous.”
He may be right Ace admits,
but he is determined, flying across the skies with Gary riding him, as Bighead
later puts it, “like a dimestore pony.” Ace intends to get some answers by
returning to their “Fortress of Privacy” where he will consult through the
crystals with Kijoro, the duo’s mentor whose spirit remains in the Fortress,
which incidentally Gary has redesigned from the original drawings.
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Pulling out a large pink crystal, which glows in Ace’s hands like a
vibrating dildo, Gary admits that he’s afraid, Ace, as he rubs his hand up and
down the crystal, reassuring him that “new knowledge is always a little
frightening—and painful. The best thing to do is not even think, but just put
it in.”
Between two rounded globes, Gary inserts the crystal bringing forth the
image of Kijoro, who begins to tell them plans for his design, although looking
around he finds Gary’s final designs for the Fortress to now quite be what he
had pictured. Ace explains that Gary reworked the original blueprints, patting
his friend’s ass, “He’s got a real eye.”
Kijoro begins to tell them that they are the sole survivors of a planet
destroyed long ago. “It is up to you to….”—watching the duo siting on sling
chairs attached to a huge phallic crystal, with Gary chewing on a carrot,
Kijoro pauses.
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Back in
Metroville, meanwhile, the Commissioner is worried that the boys have gone on a retreat
(as the cop whispers conspiratorially, “relaxing, I said.”), and makes a call
to the gossiping villains—the villains themselves spending all their time
debating the sexuality of Ace and Gary, one of them unable to resist commenting
that he has heard that “George Clooney’s gay”—warning them that “just because
Ace and Gary are on some weird retreat doesn’t mean that you can run this town
ragged.”
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Back at the Fortress, Ace
and Gary are finally about to hear about their heritage, when Piño, their
butler, attempts to deliver up their iced tea. Ace summarizes they activities: “We
have defended the honor of our planet, battle villains throughout the universe,
and dabble in photography. What more can we achieve?”
At that very moment the
villains arrive, invading the Private Fortress, although they claim that they
were just in the neighborhood, and have clearly visited more out of curiosity
than evil. Kijoro begins to disappear, as Gary inserts the crystal again and
again between the two globes, Ace insisting that they need his wisdom. All
involved, the several villains and Kijoro look on in astonishment, Ace
wondering, once more, “Now what’s everyone looking at?”
All, villains and Kijoro
simultaneously respond: “Nothing.” But we all know there is “something” that’s
not being said.
Los Angeles, June 15, 2024
Reprinted from My Queer Cinema blog (June 2024).
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