John Blanchard | Birkney’s Diamonds / 1981 [TV (Second City Television) episode]

diamonds are a girl’s best friend

by Douglas Messerli

 

Andrea Martin and Catherine O’Hara (writers/actors), John Blanchard (director)

Birkney’s Diamonds / 1981 [1.02 minutes] [TV (Second City Television) episode]

 

The December 11, 1981 airing of SCTV is noted for its feature portrayal by Eugene Levy of “Don Caballero,” the Canadian TV comedy show’s satire of The Godfather.

     But one of the best skits of that show was the wonderful lesbian commercial for Birkney’s Diamonds played out between Andrea Martin and Catherine O’Hara. In this work, Martin plays a butch lesbian number to the quite clueless femme lesbian O’Hara.

 

     The entire text is worth repeating:

 

 

“They say a dog is man’s best friend but for me it’s Susan. We’ve been best friends ever since high school. She’s the one who coached me onto the cheerleading team after she got cut. She’s the one who talked my boss into giving me that raise, and when I almost married the wrong man, she’s the one who made me see just how wrong he was. And you know all this time I think I’ve taken our friendship for granted. But not Susan. She said that I’m the most perfect person she’s ever know. She said she’s the luckiest girl in the world to be my friend. She said because of that she wanted to give me something special, almost as special as me. I didn’t know what to say, I mean I thought diamonds were for one thing only. But Susan said they could mean whatever you wanted them to. Friendship? Susan wouldn’t say and somehow I’m glad she didn’t. She didn’t have to do it, but she did, and I’m glad, I think.”

 

    As a voiceover tells the story, Martin shoos a couple of men off, draws O’Hara’s attention, toasts the glass on wine in O’Hara’s hand with her bottle and beer and takes out the ring in a bring blue box, opening it, and handing it to her. And in the end, Martin roughs up another of O’Hara’s suitors, grabbling him by the neck and hauling him away as the oblivious O’Hara states that she’s glad, she thinks. The warble of the diamond store’s theme meme, “Birney’s Diamonds,” brings it all to the perfect close.

      This is the way gay commercials were done in the day: silly, witty, and totally committed to their premise, not bemused or absurdly self-reflective. No winks here, just Martin’s worship and O’Hara’s ignorant acceptance of a foregone conclusion: the dyke will surely get her way.

 

Los Angeles, May 31, 2024

Reprinted from My Queer Cinema (May 2024).