Danielle Kasen and Don Roy King | 300: The Spartans / 2009

the magnificent 12

by Douglas Messerli

 

Doug Abeles, James Anderson, Alex Baze, and others (scriptwriters), Danielle Kasen and Don Roy King (directors) 300: The Spartans / 2009 [5.24 minutes]

 

On the evening of October 17, 2009 the live comedy show Saturday Night Live performed a skit satirizing President Barack Obama’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. Using the title from that evening’s guest Gerard Butler’s 2006 movie wherein he played King Leonidas leading 300 Spartans into battle against the Persian self-declared “God-King” Xerxes, this skit gathers a few of Leonidas’ most loyal supporters together who conform him about not fulfilling his promise to abandon the policy of forcing gay military men back into the closet.

     Much as Obama and his own administrators continued to argue to their otherwise loyal gay supporters, “now’s not really the time,” “we’re in an economic downturn,” and “40% of Spartans believe homosexuality is a disease.”

     As one of the soldiers complains, “It’s never the time Leonidas.”

     We’re in war, he argues, in case you haven’t noticed. And “it’s not like any of you are gay.”

     “Right…..” one of the soldiers (Bill Hader) sarcastically replies.

     “I mean, look, take Astinos who designed our wonderful uniforms. Can you tell me that you’re gay.”

     Astinos’ equivocal answer: “Are you asking for yourself or for a friend?” Leonidas laughs at what he believes is a comical reply.

     Turning to Stephanus and Dinas he reiterates that when Stephanus joined their army, Dinas took him under his wing like a son (“O please don’t say that,” Stephanus pleads). “Every night the two of you walk in the woods together for hours. Now imagine how awkward on of those walks would be if one of you turned out to be gay?”

     Stephanus gigglingly replies: “That would be awkward if one of us were gay,” to which Hader lets out a high-pitched he-haw of a laugh.

     One soldier, quite heavy-set, speaks up, “Leonidas is right. Look, I’m as straight as they come. And I wouldn’t be able to fight if I though some gay guy were checking out my body.”

     Astinos qupis: “Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about that!”

     Soon after, the soldiers, brave and tough as they are, refuse to go into battle if a decision is not made.

      Again, Leonidas attempts to put the issue within the context of public opinion. But as one points out, many—satirically referencing Trump and his followers—"don’t even believe ‘you’ were born in Greece.” Leonidas holds high a stone plate declaring his birthplace.

      Looking at his tough, aggressive, fierce men, Leonidas finally admits that we will repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. Yet we quickly reminds his men that it surely can’t really matter. How many of you are gay, he scoffs.

      All but our self-declared straight boy put up their hands.

      Leonidas smiles patronizingly, suggesting he knows they are trying to support their fellow soldiers. “But how many are actually gay?” he enquires.

      This time everyone of them raises their hands.

      Suddenly realizing that perhaps Astinos’ gentle oil rubs before battle, the leather penis-sheath that he created for him, and the numerous moments in which they shared sex was perhaps not entirely altruistic, he comments, well some day we’ll meet up at the public baths and have a good laugh over all of this.

       Leonidas now realizes just how many times he might have joined into sexual encounters in the public baths, and changes course: “But tonight we die in hell!”

      The men rush forward into battle.

      This skit is perhaps far too long and less humorous that its writers might have wished it were, but it belongs, nonetheless, in the long tradition of political parodies presented on Saturday Night Live. And one suspects that if Obama and Michelle we not at home to watch this particular episode, that perhaps Joe Biden and his wife Jill were watching it at Number One Observatory Circle. In case you forget, Biden was the first to speak out against the policy, pushing President Obama to repeal it finally in December 2010.

 

Los Angeles, October 5, 2024

Reprinted from My Queer Cinema blog (October 2024).