Euros Lyn | Heartstopper "Crush" / 2022 [TV series, Season 1, Episode 2]

why am i like this?

by Douglas Messerli

 

Alice Oseman (screenwriter), Euros Lyn (director) Heartstopper “Crush” / 2022 [30 minutes] [Season 1, Episode 2]

 

What I didn’t mention in Episode 1 was that Charlie also happens to be a drummer, which allows him early in this second episode to relieve some of his high sexual tension, while poor Nick is suddenly forced into a kind of “Gay Panic,” as he struggles to understand why he can’t even properly communicate with his new friend via cellphone. Scrolling through Charlie’s pictures on his phone site, Nick loves what he sees, but also hears his fellow classmates’ homophobic comments about Charlie. He can’t literally get the horrific sound of that abuse out of his own head as he attempts to, on the one had assure Charlie that it’s okay, while simultaneously condemning Ben’s behavior and signifying his devotion to protecting his friend from him in the future. And then, like an older brother, he cannot help but wish to provide Charlie with advice: “Please don’t talk to Ben anymore.”

     Every message becomes a further commitment to the gay boy he’s clearly developing feelings for that he has never previously experienced; and, yes, his feelings are more than troublesome, as he writes out message and after message, only to erase it. The message he finally sends, “Are you feeling okay?” is utterly fulfilling to the equally confused Charlie. He permits him an entry into Nick’s life without either of them admitting to their true feelings which they can’t even admit to themselves.

     While struggling with their communications, the film plays Frankie Cosmos’ song “Sappho”:

 

From the street I see your window

And I look up in

Is that even your house?

Is that Sappho you're readin'?

 

Is it cool when I don't care?

Can you feel me in the air?

Under the crack in the door

Can you tell I have no floor?

And I'm shiverin' just thinkin'

Where have you been all these minutes?

 

      Nick’s insistence that he is there for Charlie and that if he wants to talk, he’s open to listening expresses everything that these two boys can express at that moment.

      We now get a rather unnecessary flash-back with Charlie and Ben, leading again to Nick’s demands that Charlie not see Ben anymore, to which Charlie answers, giving Nick a way out, “Thank you for being my supportive straight friend.” Nick takes the exit gracefully, but both he and the viewers know there’s now something deeper going on.

      The formidable love emoji with which Charlie responds says it all.

     Meanwhile Tara (Corinna Brown) is still having difficulty making new friends at her school, but finds a supporter in her teacher.

     The major issue in this episode is Tao’s insistence that Nick is straight, and that Charlie’s sudden infatuation with him is pointless. Fearing that he will be hurt, he finally convinces himself, if not Charlie, that Nick has a girlfriend with Elle, who goes to Tara’s new school.

     What he can’t know is that suddenly Elle and her friend Darcy Olsson befriend the new girl, and when Tao demands Tara try to find out if the relationship between Elle and Nick is true, she discovers that in fact, Elle has a lesbian relationship with Darcy.

      It’s not that Tao’s comments don’t affect Charlie, who barges into a conversation with the patient advisor Mr. Ajayi (Fisayo Akinade) how he might possible stop being in love with a straight guy.

      Ajayi’s comment is the kind of quip that makes this series so utterly charming: “Ah, the question for the ages. I thought you had a boyfriend.”

      “No, this is someone else.”

      “Wow. Being a teenager is terrible. You know when I was a teenager I had a crush on a straight boy. I just repressed it and suffered.”

     Charlie’s answer, as he presents his endlessly benign signature smile, “That doesn’t sound very healthy.”

      Charlie insists that “He’s a really good friend,” to which the supposed source of wisdom replies, “I’m afraid you’re just going to have to suffer then.”

          But no, things are beginning to heat up with Nick and Charlie, as the drummer attempts to teach his friend how to play the drums, requiring a great deal of hand-holding, and later, Nick, sitting on the couch with a now sleeping Charlie, cannot resist what any gay boy might do, putting his hand into the empty hand just awaiting his electrifying grasp. I had almost forgotten that impossible temptation of joining oneself with another until I watched this episode the other afternoon for the second time. The graphic sparks were just what I felt back in those days, terrified by putting the hand into its long-for receptor, pulling back in terror, before finally making connection once again. Yes, Charlie has to go soon after. He’s confused. And he honestly has to admit that Charlie looks so cuddly, as he impulsively grabs him and hugs him close, before moving off to declare that he’ll see him on Monday. Even Charlie’s cynical sister doesn’t think he’s straight.

      As Charlie checks his email, Tara signals that Nick is not at all in a relationship with Elle.

    Nick goes into a spin, replaying the pictures of his and Charlie’s wonderful day alternatively with members of his ruby team, with Orla Gartland’s memorable lyrics of “Why Am I Like This” playing in the background.”

     Nick looks up “Am I Gay” on Google.

 

Los Angeles, October 7, 2024

Reprinted from My Queer Cinema blog (October 2024).