Jordan Firstman | Men Don't Whisper / 2017

no sale

by Douglas Messerli

 

Jordan Firstman and Charles Rogers (screenplay), Jordan Firstman (director) Men Don't Whisper / 2017 [21 minutes]

 

An obnoxious motivational speaker at a sales conference for Nutritious Products makes it clear to her mostly female audience of salespeople that men constitute the highest sales bracket because they know what they want: to go for it, and they get it. To prove her point, she asks a couple of men in the group, Reese (Charles Rogers) and Peyton (Jordan Firstman) what do they want. Surprisingly both dither and stutter, disproving her theory until she asks another male salesperson  who immediately claims he wants a high number of sales this quarter. Bam! He proves it. Women have to stand up for what they want, she declares, and before long women are doing precisely that, standing to declare they want 700 even 800 sales and want to travel. One wants a divorce, another wants to take someone’s breath away, and a third wants to have another baby. Soon she has them all shouting, “Sell like men!”

     Reese and Peyton are a gay couple and realize the they’ve just been proven to be weaklings and pussies, not even able to join in the “sell like men” mania. Realizing they have to find something to make them more masculine, at least to the ladies in the room, they decide they have to do something that at least one of them has never before done, and the other (Reese) hasn’t done since high school: fuck a woman.

     Heading down to the hotel bar they watch what they perceive of as a truly effeminate man (Brendan Scannell) busy making up his face with a powder puff and pocket mirror. They seem to have no difficulty at all in picking up two girls, Beth (Bridey Elliott) and Dominique (Clare McNulty). But when they take them back to their bedroom things get more difficult.

      Dominique goes right to it on Reese, but Beth is slower as she and Peyton focus on kissing. With the excuse that he has to pee, Reese runs to the bathroom Peyton behind him as the two madly confer in whispers as Reese admits that he’s not at sure he wants to do it, while Peyton tries to calm him down. The girls meanwhile get naked, although Beth also has second thoughts. Both boys admit it’s truly weird, but return for the second round.

      “Boys, pants off,” shouts Dominique as the two begin to express their worries about not having condoms. Beth turns away from Peyton, while Dominique gets atop Reese to ride him like a cowboy. Because of her sunburn, Beth suggests that Peyton not kiss her shoulders or stomach, that perhaps he just “eat her out,” an even more unimaginable activity for the previously insistent Peyton.

      Peyton demands another bathroom break with Reese. Peyton insists “It’s like a hallway with a lot of doors,” and argues he simply cannot do it, this time Reese attempting to reassure him. Reese now feels he can do it, given Clare’s aggressive manner, but Peyton is at a loss.

      Beth observes that she’s never seen to men go into a bathroom and whisper before. Meanwhile in the bathroom, the strong independent men begin to jack each other off. With full erection and a good luck kiss on the lips they’re back for round 3.

      But in this round they’re totally knocked out, or at least they both keep slipping out, Even Reese realizes that he totally does not need to do this. Dominique asks, “What’s going on?” and Beth nails it: “They’re gay. They’re both gay, Dom. It’s obvious.” The two admit that they’re gay boyfriends. “We just wanted to test our masculinity and this just felt like it made the most sense.”

      Dominque puts it succinctly: “But fucking a girl doesn’t make you a man. You’re just like the straight ass-holes picking up chicks except you’re worse because you didn’t even want to fuck us!” The women decide to report them to human resources. It’s clear that they will probably lose their jobs.

      Even worse, in a stairwell the effeminate man that one of them earlier referred to as a faggot is busy fucking Dr. Joscelyn Verdoon (Cheri Oteri), the motivational speaker who started them down this rueful trail.

      If this short film echoes throughout with the sounds of a TV series episode it is surely because after his first short film, Call Your Father (2016) and this movie, Firstman continued on mostly with directing, writing, and acting for and in TV, namely Gay of Thrones, Search Party, Miracle Workers, and Ms. Marvel.

 

Los Angeles, October 10, 2023

Reprinted from World Cinema Review (October 2023).