Shawn Postoff | Coming to Terms / 2000

pretending

by Douglas Messerli

 

Shawn Postoff (screenwriter and director) Coming to Terms / 2000 [16 minutes]

 

Damian (Matt Sadowski) is a college student, obviously now gay. When he mother (Paula Gove) calls inviting him up for the weekend to the family cottage, he explains as gracefully as he can, that he wants to make some special time to sit down and talk to her and his father, clearly planning to come out. But she clearly is disturbed, worried that something is wrong. He attempts to explain that all is well, that he is fine, his life perhaps even better than usual, but he cannot assuage her fears.

     The next day his father (Chris Regan) calls as well, begging his son to tell him what’s going on, but Damain holds his ground, despite the fact his dad tells him that his mother hardly slept all night. Obviously this is a loving family, who simply don’t leave any space for their son for his own life and explanations. They are now desperately worried without hearing a word he is expressing. How might he need special time to sit down and talk if there is not something terribly wrong with his life. Their worry dominates his own attempt simply to explain to them what is happening in his life.

     Obviously feeling some guilt for having them left them so worried, he calls three times on Thursday evening, hanging up twice for he actually speaks with his mother. Meanwhile, they have figured out what the issue is, and all his mother can say is that she does approve, as if her “approval” really meant anything for a young gay boy who has finally come to terms with himself.

     Yet families are there, often after years of blind abuse, to still confuse and fuck up you life. His father, she reports, sees it as “abhorrent and disgusting.” His moreover, doesn’t want to let his sister know, and simply doesn’t want to talk about it, the usual way unaccepting parents treat such situations.

   He attempts to explain that it’s been buried within all his life, and now that it’s surface he does not to bury it again. She is firm: “I don’t want to talk about it.”

     “Of all the people I’ve come out to, yours is the worst fucking reaction!"

      But as if it were all about her, she claims she can simply deal with it now, the usual parental escape clause, strongly suggesting there will never be a time for her and her husband to deal it the issue.  

     Yet, she does also make a good point, suggesting that he has had 20 years to confront and deal with the issue, but then to expect his parents to sit down and have an immediate conversation is unfair: “You should give me some time.”

     He explains that he has books and pamphlets that might help deal with the fact, but she is even more adamant.

     “So you just want me to keep my emotions down and pretend everything is fine.”

     She argues that she needs to unlearn what her generation has believed, but again, quite reasonably, he argues that is precisely why he wants to have a conversation about it.”

     Her answer is another chestnut in the parental world of misunderstandings and perceptions: “It’s a dangerous lifestyle.”

     Damian’s response represents what gay men have to deal with again and again: “It’s not a lifestyle mom, it’s me.” He is desperate to tell her what it’s like. Just because I’m coming out of my closet, it doesn’t mean I’m going to raid yours.”

     Again, she simply repeats her cover-up slogan: “I can’t deal with this now. I can’t.”

    “Well, I’m not coming up to the cottage unless we can talk about this.” And that is the way it seems to end.

     Yet 29 minutes later, his mother calls him again. She has talked it over with his father, and they agree that it is emotional blackmail when he refuses to be a part of the family unless they discuss the issue. Once more, they see everything from their point of view, without daring to imagine what Damain must be suffering for the own dissolution of the family.

    “Forcing me to bury it is not fair, Mom,” he attempts to explain. “How can we not talk about anything that matters.”

      “Well, that’s nothing new, is it” she snaps back, perhaps characterizing their family life more than she realizes.

      She suggests he was never part of this family. “Well, now you know why. All you could ever ask me was when I would get a fucking girlfriend. I could only come up with so many excuses. This is the one reason I needed to tell you, so that I could be a part of the family.”

      When his father describes his as something he abhors and finds disgusting, Damian rightfully argues that there’s “fucking” no way he’s coming up the cottage. And finally, he admits they have not even asked him if he has a boyfriend. He’s been dating him for two months, and they don’t even know his name and haven’t met him. “That upsets me, Mom, because he’s a part of my family. Don’t tell me about family if you won’t even acknowledge who I am.”

       “I don’t want to lose myself, Mom.” He finally pleads.

       Again, he suggests she and his father can get support of groups. But, she claims, “I don’t need that stuff, I need a family.” In fact, however, she has never really had one. It was all a delusion, the kind families pretend to block out anything they fear.

         She begs him to come, and he finally gives up and acquiesces, a decision I could never have made.

       We can only imagine just how tense and impossible that weekend will be, as he will be forced to be more closed off and separate than ever. There is no longer a family left for these blinded people. Actually, nobody "comes to terms" in this film, particularly not Damian’s “family.”

         This 2000 film was one of the earliest of the numerous “coming out” films of the new version “B” that began to appear in the 1990s and understandably became one of the favorite of all gay film genres.

 

Los Angeles, September 11, 2026

Reprinted from My Queer Cinema blog (April 2026).