pretending
by
Douglas Messerli
Shawn
Postoff (screenwriter and director) Coming to Terms / 2000 [16 minutes]
Damian
(Matt Sadowski) is a college student, obviously now gay. When he mother (Paula
Gove) calls inviting him up for the weekend to the family cottage, he explains
as gracefully as he can, that he wants to make some special time to sit down
and talk to her and his father, clearly planning to come out. But she clearly
is disturbed, worried that something is wrong. He attempts to explain that all
is well, that he is fine, his life perhaps even better than usual, but he
cannot assuage her fears.
The
next day his father (Chris Regan) calls as well, begging his son to tell him
what’s going on, but Damain holds his ground, despite the fact his dad tells
him that his mother hardly slept all night. Obviously this is a loving family,
who simply don’t leave any space for their son for his own life and
explanations. They are now desperately worried without hearing a word he is
expressing. How might he need special time to sit down and talk if there is not
something terribly wrong with his life. Their worry dominates his own attempt
simply to explain to them what is happening in his life.
Obviously feeling some guilt for having
them left them so worried, he calls three times on Thursday evening, hanging up
twice for he actually speaks with his mother. Meanwhile, they have figured out
what the issue is, and all his mother can say is that she does approve, as if
her “approval” really meant anything for a young gay boy who has finally come
to terms with himself.
Yet families are there, often after years
of blind abuse, to still confuse and fuck up you life. His father, she reports,
sees it as “abhorrent and disgusting.” His moreover, doesn’t want to let his
sister know, and simply doesn’t want to talk about it, the usual way
unaccepting parents treat such situations.
He attempts to explain that it’s been buried
within all his life, and now that it’s surface he does not to bury it again.
She is firm: “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Of all the people I’ve come out to, yours
is the worst fucking reaction!"
But as if it were all about her, she
claims she can simply deal with it now, the usual parental escape clause,
strongly suggesting there will never be a time for her and her husband to deal
it the issue.
Yet, she does also make a good point,
suggesting that he has had 20 years to confront and deal with the issue, but
then to expect his parents to sit down and have an immediate conversation is unfair:
“You should give me some time.”
He explains that he has books and pamphlets
that might help deal with the fact, but she is even more adamant.
“So you just want me to keep my emotions
down and pretend everything is fine.”
She argues that she needs to unlearn what
her generation has believed, but again, quite reasonably, he argues that is
precisely why he wants to have a conversation about it.”
Her answer is another chestnut in the
parental world of misunderstandings and perceptions: “It’s a dangerous lifestyle.”
Damian’s response represents what gay men
have to deal with again and again: “It’s not a lifestyle mom, it’s me.” He is
desperate to tell her what it’s like. Just because I’m coming out of my closet,
it doesn’t mean I’m going to raid yours.”
Again, she simply repeats her cover-up
slogan: “I can’t deal with this now. I can’t.”
“Well, I’m not coming up to the cottage unless
we can talk about this.” And that is the way it seems to end.
Yet 29 minutes later, his mother calls him
again. She has talked it over with his father, and they agree that it is
emotional blackmail when he refuses to be a part of the family unless they
discuss the issue. Once more, they see everything from their point of view,
without daring to imagine what Damain must be suffering for the own dissolution
of the family.
“Forcing me to bury it is not fair, Mom,”
he attempts to explain. “How can we not talk about anything that matters.”
“Well, that’s nothing new, is it” she
snaps back, perhaps characterizing their family life more than she realizes.
She
suggests he was never part of this family. “Well, now you know why. All you
could ever ask me was when I would get a fucking girlfriend. I could only come
up with so many excuses. This is the one reason I needed to tell you, so that I
could be a part of the family.”
When his father describes his as
something he abhors and finds disgusting, Damian rightfully argues that there’s
“fucking” no way he’s coming up the cottage. And finally, he admits they have
not even asked him if he has a boyfriend. He’s been dating him for two months,
and they don’t even know his name and haven’t met him. “That upsets me, Mom,
because he’s a part of my family. Don’t tell me about family if you won’t even
acknowledge who I am.”
“I don’t want to lose myself, Mom.” He
finally pleads.
Again, he suggests she and his father can get support of groups. But,
she claims, “I don’t need that stuff, I need a family.” In fact, however, she
has never really had one. It was all a delusion, the kind families pretend to
block out anything they fear.
She begs him to come, and he finally gives
up and acquiesces, a decision I could never have made.
We can only imagine just how tense and impossible
that weekend will be, as he will be forced to be more closed off and separate
than ever. There is no longer a family left for these blinded people. Actually,
nobody "comes to terms" in this film, particularly not Damian’s “family.”
This 2000 film was one of the earliest
of the numerous “coming out” films of the new version “B” that began to appear
in the 1990s and understandably became one of the favorite of all gay film genres.
Los
Angeles, September 11, 2026
Reprinted
from My Queer Cinema blog (April 2026).
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